In this article

• 16 Signs of a controlling boyfriend
• How to deal with a controlling boyfriend
• How to stop being a controlling boyfriend

So you are in a relationship with a loving boyfriend, but your close circle is worried about the pace of your relationship and how you have changed since you started dating this guy. You or your friends might have noticed some signs of a controlling boyfriend but you are not sure if you are reading the signs correctly. This is understandable because there can be a very thin line between a caring boyfriend and a controlling boyfriend.

According to an article in Love Panky, there are two types of controlling boyfriends. The first is the violent physically abusive boyfriend and then the caring boyfriend who controls you emotionally.

What is a red flag in relationships

Having a controlling partner is one of the red flags in a relationship that should never be ignored.  If the controlling behaviour in a relationship is not spotted and managed timeously, it can lead to a toxic relationship. Read these signs of a controlling boyfriend as well as how to stop the controlling behaviour.  Read more: 15 Relationship Red flags never to ignore

16 Signs of a controlling boyfriend

1. You always have to seek his permission

If you always have to seek his permission everytime when you have to meet with your friends, family or even have drinks with your colleagues after work, it can be one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend. You are not comfortable to agree to any request for a meeting or attend any event unless he has approved it. There is a difference between seeking permission and informing someone so that they know where you are.  

2. He wants to drive you around

Does your boyfriend prefer driving you EVERYWHERE? Does he want to drive you to and from work, to the shops and to all your meetings? Then you should be careful because there is a thin line between someone who is overly concerned about your safety and a boyfriend who is just controlling. Such a person might be insecure and wants to have access to all your movements.

3. He constantly checks up on you

Do you feel like your boyfriend cares and misses you so much because he calls you and texts you twenty times a day? But you also have days where you feel like he might be overdoing it because if you do not pick up his calls it becomes an issue? Such a behaviour can be one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend because he expects you to always be available for him. And sometimes the reason he calls is to listen to your surroundings and confirm if you are where you should be.

4. He isolates you from your friends and family

A controlling boyfriend will want to influence your circle. He dictates who you can and cannot meet. And unfortunately, he ends up isolating you from your closest people. He will influence you that your friends and family are not right for the relationship and they don’t genuinely love you. And once they are out of the equation he knows that he can treat you anyhow and you will have no one to confide in.

5. You have zero privacy

Does your boyfriend regularly check your phone, yet you don’t have permission to check his phone? In other words, is his phone his alone but your phone has to be shared? Such behavior can be signs of a controlling boyfriend.

6. He wants to listen to all your conversations

When you receive a call, he expects you to put all your calls on loudspeaker so that he can hear all your conversations. Yet when he receives calls he answers them privately. You can’t even have a decent conversation with your friends or family, because he wants to hear every word. Also, when you have visitors, he doesn’t give you space, he wants to sit in so that he can listen in to your conversations.

7. He dictates which apps you can have on your phone

Another sign of a controlling boyfriend is when he dictates which applications you can and cannot have on your phone. Some people are not allowed to have any social media accounts like Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp because he does not want you interacting or receiving attention from other men.

8. He analyses your social media activity

A sure sign of a controlling boyfriend is when he analyses your social media activity. He checks who likes your posts, who commented, and it becomes a problem when you are getting attention from guys because he will accuse you of cheating with them.

9. He tracks your location

Does your boyfriend always seem to know where you are at or you just always happen to bump into him? It might be because he is tracking your location through your phone or through the car’s tracker. That is one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend because he wants to have access to all your movements.

10. He treats you like a child

Another sign of a controlling boyfriend is when he treats you like a child instead of his equal or partner.  He doesn’t give you the liberty to make your own decisions. Also, the manner in which he talks you is diminishing. In a restaurant, he might even choose the food for you. He will even choose what you can and cannot wear, where you can and cannot go. He also talks to you anyhow, even if it hurts your feelings. He also punishes you for wrong behaviour and you even have curfew.

11. He doesn’t want you to develop yourself

A controlling boyfriend will block you from advancing yourself or studying. He even doesn’t allow you to take up certain jobs because he feels like you will interact with other men. He doesn’t want you being in an environment where he feels like he will not be in control of you.

12. His love is conditional

A controlling boyfriend can seem to be very loving and takes care of all your financial needs. But the moment you do not do what he wants, the benefits stop. He is very unstable and loves you when certain conditions have been fulfilled.

13. He takes all your money

A controlling boyfriend will have access to your banking profile and take all your money. You go to work everyday yet on payday he takes all your money. When you need something you will have to ask from him. He controls all your finances.

14. You are secretive about certain things

When you feel like there are certain things that you cannot say to him because you know that it might land you in trouble, then it can be signs of a controlling boyfriend. For example, you even lie about meeting a friend and make it seem like you had to work late because you know that he was going to refuse.

15. He gaslights you

A controlling boyfriend will psychologically manipulate you so that he can always have his way in the relationship. You will constantly apologize for things you have never done. He will make it seem like you forgot what he claims to have told you. Read more: 9 Signs of Gaslighting in a relationship

16. You change your entire life for him

Do you feel like since you started being with him you have changed a lot of things about yourself? You have changed the way you speak, the way you dress, your hobbies, your friends? Have you made a lot of adjustments in order to please him or suit his preferences? You no longer doing the things that you love but the things he loves? And have other people also noticed that your behaviour has changed? If you feel this way then it is a sign that you are with a controlling boyfriend.

How to deal with a controlling boyfriend

1. Establish the root of his controlling nature

There are many reasons why people eventually become controlling. For some men, it is due to their upbringing, while for others is because of their experiences in their past relationships. Your boyfriend might be too insecure because of what his ex-girlfriend did and he just can’t help it. Or it might be due to what you have done to him, which has damaged the trust, which shows through his controlling nature.

2. Be independent

Early on in the relationship, your boyfriend needs to know that you are an independent person. You still wish to live your life with him. You have your own dreams, goals, friends, and desires.  Be in a relationship, yet don’t live for the relationship. Have things of your own that you are focusing on.

3. Set your boundaries early on

If your partner does or expects a certain behaviour from you that you are not comfortable with, discuss it with him early in the relationship. Let him know what you can and cannot tolerate. Because you have the potential to teach people how to treat you. If you do not teach your boyfriend early on, he will think that you are fine with the way that he treats you.

4. Make him see things from your point of view

To successfully deal with a controlling boyfriend, it is important to communicate with him and make him see things from your point of view. Let him know how his actions make you feel. Yes, this is very uncomfortable because he might be defensive, but choose the right time to address your issues as well as the right approach. 

5. Reverse the control

Some people do not understand the impact of their actions and sometimes you might have to do it to them so that they can understand. For instance, if your boyfriend always calls you when you are out with your friends, you might also have to do the same when he is out with his friends.

6. Be trustworthy

The reason why some boyfriends eventually become controlling is because they have been lied to by their girlfriends. In order to deal with a controlling boyfriend you have to be honest. You need to give him assurance that you can be trusted. Just always tell the truth and do not give him a reason to be suspicious.   

7. Go for counselling as a couple

If the control is arising out of things that he hasn’t dealt with you might need to attend counseling with him so that he can get the help that he needs. You might not even need to pay for it, you can seek help from other structures including support from other couples or from church etc.

Read more: How to come out of an abusive relationship

How to Stop being a controlling boyfriend

If you have noticed some traits that you might be a controlling boyfriend or your partner has brought it up, then it is important to work on it because you might lose a good woman.

1. Identify the root cause of your controlling nature

Do an introspection as to what might have triggered the controlling behaviour. Is it due to insecurities from a past relationship? Or you are scared that your partner might get attention from other men and leave you that is why you want to control her? Or she has been unfaithful before and you want to make sure that she does not repeat it? Or can it be that your father was very controlling so you subconsciously took after him?

Whatever the reasons are, identify it so that you can deal with the root cause and not just the symptoms.

2. Ask people for their honest opinion of you

Ask your partner, friends and family what they think of you. Do they think that you are controlling or not? You need to be ready to accept constructive criticism without feeling offended. If they feel that you are controlling then it is a sign that you should find ways to stop the controlling act.

3. Be open to learn and do things differently

It can be difficult to get rid of certain habits, especially if they have been a part of you for a while. However, it is important to accept that you are not a perfect being and there are still certain areas that you can work on or improve. Be willing to take the necessary action to become a better lovable version of yourself.

4. Put yourself in her shoes

Think to yourself if you would want your partner to treat you the same way that you are treating her. Or also think if you would be happy if your daughter or sister would have a boyfriend like you.  

5. Accept that you can’t control everything

The sooner you accept that you cannot control everything or everyone the better. God has given us all willpower for a reason. Allow your partner the opportunity to make her own decisions and if she makes mistakes in the process, it is still fine. Understand that you are in a relationship where you are both equals and not a boss and employee relationship.

6. Get help

You might need to get help from someone independent so that they can help you get to the bottom of your controlling behaviour.

7. Get out of the toxic relationship

Are you being too controlling because you are trying to salvage an already broken relationship? Sometimes it is also important to assess if the person you are with is the right person for you or being with them just turns you into a monster. If it is difficult for you to fully forgive her and give her the benefit of the doubt, then it might be time to call it quits.