How do you know if it’s time to break up

Table of contents

18 Signs that you should break up

6 Signs that you should not break up

How to leave someone you love but can’t be with

Plenty of things happen in relationships which make people consider if it is time to break up or not. For some, the thought of breaking up is triggered by their partner not meeting their needs and expectations, or after a partner has cheated. While others might consider a breakup because they are getting attention elsewhere or because their partner is broke.

Breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend or even your spouse is not an easy decision. It requires careful consideration as well as guts. It is even more difficult to end a long-term relationship because that person has been part of your life for the longest time and you had even made plans for the future together. 

According to a study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology the research suggests that the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate a breakup. 

Breaking up means forming a new reality, with new people and creating new memories. Another thing that makes breaking up not easy is that you do not know what lies ahead. You don’t know if you will live to regret your decision in future. You also don’t know if you will be happier or not and if you will meet someone better than your partner.

If you are not sure if you should break up or not, this article will guide you, and hopefully, you will make the right decision.

18 signs that you should break up

1. If you would advise someone that is in your shoes to break up

If you would advise your sibling, child, or friend who is in a relationship like yours to end the relationship, then it is a sign that you should break up. When your friend tells you that her partner assaulted her or cheated is your advice breakup with him or it depends on the circumstances or the severity? 

2. You feel like your partner is using you

Another sign that you should break up is when you notice that your partner is just using you. A sign that your partner is using you can be when your partner only shows you love when he or she is able to gain financially from you. The moment when they can’t benefit financially from you then they treat you differently. Your friends and family may have also brought it up that your partner is only using you for financial gain. 

Another sign that your partner may be using you is when he only wants to be with you for sexual gain or domestic services. You hardly feel like you are in a relationship because he is never there when you need him. He only sees you at his own time and every interaction has to be sexual, he does not go into public spaces with you.  

Read more: 10 Mistakes women make in relationships

3. You always give but you never receive

If you are the only one who is giving in the relationship, making all the sacrifices but your partner does not do the same for you, then it is a sign that it’s time to break up. A relationship is about servicing each other’s needs. If you give your partner love and do them favours, they should also reciprocate it. You need to feel like you are also receiving from your partner, the gestures should not be one-sided. 

4. Your partner abuses you

If your partner abuses you, you should run and not look back, unless if are ready to be sent to your maker by him. Don’t try and make excuses for him or her that you deserved it, you are not a child who needs to be disciplined through corporal punishment. If you are not able to resolve your differences maturely without violence, then it is a sign that you should break up.

Read more: How to leave an abusive relationship

5. You can’t answer why you are still with him or her

If you cannot find a good reason to justify why you are still with him or with her, then it is a sign that you should break up. If you are not with your partner for the kids, or love, or sexual gratification or money or companionship then what is your motivation for continuing the relationship? 

6. Your friends and family think you should break up

If your friends and family have suggested that you should end the relationship with him or her, then it is a sign that you should break up. If they have told you that your partner is unfaithful, or he or she is just using you, or there is something that is off about him, then believe them. They see from a better lens view than you because your judgement might be clouded by love. They won’t mislead you, they want what is best for you. 

7. Your partner does not want to commit

If your partner does not want to commit to a serious relationship, or an exclusive relationship, or even to marriage then it is a sign that you should break up. After dating for some months or years the relationship should have a clear direction of where it is going and when you can expect to tie the knot. 

Read more: How to get him to commit to a serious relationship

8. Your partner does not prioritise you

If your partner prioritises everyone else but you, then it is a sign that your relationship deserves a break. It is very sad if your partner has time to cultivate friendships and be with his or her family but don’t have time for you. 

What is the purpose of a relationship if you will not receive attention and support from your partner? Your partner jumps everytime someone else asks him or her for help but does not do the same for you. 

9. You are holding onto the hope that your partner will change

If you are staying in a bad or toxic relationship with the hope that things will change I might have bad news for you. People hardly change and sometimes it even takes time or even years. If you think that you will be able to change things about your partner that you don’t like, you might have to think again. It is either you will have to tolerate the situation, or see it as a sign that you should break up. 

10. You are disgusted by his or her presence

If you hate your partner so much to a point of even wishing that they can be hit by a bus, or even be arrested, then it is a sign that you should break up. Also if your mood changes for the worst when your partner is in your presence, then it is a sign that the relationship is over. You no longer love him or her. 

11. You are happier when you with other people

If you can be yourself when you are with other people, but you are someone else when you are with your partner, then it is a sign that it’s time to end the relationship. If you are much happier and more alive when you are with other people but you are down when you are with your partner, then maybe you have not yet found your match as yet. Or the relationship has gone through an irreparable damage.

Also if you are cheating on your partner and you know very well that you do no love him or her, then that is a vivid sign that you should let him or her go, than to try and keep all the partners.

12. Your partner has betrayed you or cheated on you

If your partner has cheated on you and you find it difficult to forgive and the relationship cannot be normal again, then it is a sign that it is time to end the relationship. Also if you have forgiven but your partner still continues disrespecting you, then it can also be a sign that you should call it quits. 

It is difficult to stop a cheater from cheating because they don’t cheat because something is lacking in the relationship, but they cheat because they want to. 

13. Intimacy has died

When the intimacy in the relationship has died for reasons other than health then it can be a sign that you should break up. However, it is important to communicate with your partner why this aspect has died and if there is a way it can be resuscitated.

14. Communication has died in the relationship

You no longer talk to each other and constantly give each other silent treatment. You no longer check up on your partner or your partner no longer checks up on you, their presence or absence makes no difference to you or to them. In short, you no longer care about him or her and they also no longer care about you. If this is happening in your relationship, then it is a clear sign that you should break up.

15. Your partner is irresponsible

Imagine being with someone whom you always have to babysit because you fear that they will make irresponsible decisions like gambling with their entire salary, or using all the money on drugs and alcohol. If you are with a partner that you constantly have to babysit, then it is a sign that you might need to take a break from the relationship until they get their act together.  

16. The relationship is unhealthy

Is your partner too possessive, too jealous, do they separate you from your loved ones, do they constantly gaslight you, are you always crying, does your partner abuse you? If your answer is yes then it is a relationship red flag and you have to take action. If you spot any of the signs that you may be in an unhealthy relationship, then it is a sign that you should break up.

Read more: 15 Signs of an unhealthy relationship

17. You are dating someone who is married

You should always be on the lookout for signs that you might be dating a married man or a married woman. These people are never honest. And when you do find out that he or she is married, it better to break up because a married man will NEVER leave his wife. If he admits that he is married, he will lie to you and tell you that he is in the process of divorce while he is at a happy place with his wife. 

Read more: Signs a married man is using you

18. Your partner does not want your kids or molests your kids

If you came with kids into the relationship, your partner should accept that they are a part of you and not try to separate you. If your partner is not willing to accept your children, then it is a sign that you should break up. Also, if there are any signs that your partner may be molesting your kids, then it is a clear sign that you should break up. You can’t be in such a relationship at the expense of your children’s wellness. 

6 Signs that you should not break up

1. Your partner meets most of your needs

There is no person who is perfect and if your partner meets over 80% of your needs in the relationship, then it is a sign that you should not break up. 

2. You broke the trust

If intimacy has stopped or the relationship has become unhealthy because you have broken your partner’s trust, then work on winning back the trust and not breaking up with them.

3. Partner is committed towards repairing the relationship

If your partner seems committed towards fixing the issues in the relationship, then it is a sign that you should not break up. If your partner is showing remorse, listening to you and making the changes, and even willing to get help, then it can be a sign to put the break-up on hold.

4. You know the potential of the relationship

If you know that you had a healthy relationship in the past and you are just currently facing a minor setback due to changes that have taken place like having a baby, a new job etc, then you should work on the relationship. You know that if you can seek counseling maybe the relationship will improve. 

5. You are not convinced that you should break up

If you have mixed feelings about the breakup then it is one of the signs that you should not break up. What is the purpose of initiating a breakup if two days later you will be back in their arms, rather wait until you are certain. 

6. Your reliable advisors think that you should not break up

If people think that you might be making a rash decision by initiating a breakup, then it is a sign that you should not break up. Work through your issues first and if all else fails then you can consider a breakup. 

How to leave someone you love but can’t be with

The decision to break up is not an easy one. You can make the decision to break up but not know how to execute it. I have also been a victim of that. You need to do the following if you want to successfully execute a breakup:

1. Why do you want a breakup?

You need to be able to answer why you think you should break up. If you can’t answer then it will be difficult to successfully break up with your partner. 

2. What will say to your partner

Rehearse your breakup speech because breaking up is like an exit interview, you want to say the right things so that you don’t live to regret it in the future. 

3. How will you say it to your partner

Establish how you want to communicate the breakup message to your partner. Will you do it in person, through call or text, or a letter? It is better if done in person but it is difficult sometimes especially if you don’t want to see the person’s reaction or if you are in a long-distance relationship. 

4. When is it the best time to break up with someone

You must be able to answer when you will communicate your decision. There is no best time to break up but sometimes you have to be considerate. You can’t just break up with him or her the morning before an exam, or operation, or when facing a major crisis. 

5. Where will you stay if you want to break up with someone you live with

If you are breaking up with someone that you currently live with, it is advisable to look for an alternative place before breaking up. Make sure that you will know where you will live and how you will take care of yourself without relying on him or her. 

Read more: How to move on from someone you love

6. Execute the break-up

You will then have to execute the breakup based on your plan. And know that it won’t be easy, it is easier said than done. 

7. Block all communication channels

For a breakup to be successful, it is important to cut off all communication, or else the affected parties will not be able to move on. Let the person see that the breakup is for good by not making contact or meeting up for closure purposes. If you call them, you will be sending mixed signals.