I had told myself that I would never go back to my ex, but gifts and meetings later, I was back with him. The heart is very weak, with good persuasion it can easily be won over. Knowing what I know now, there are some relationships that I should not have given a second or third chance to.  

The thought of being single can be daunting because you do not know what lies ahead. You also do not know if your next lover will be better or worse than your ex or current partner. When it comes to matters of the heart, I know I can’t rely on myself to make sound judgment, that is why I need a thought process to help me think objectively.  Ask yourself these 6 questions if you are at crossroads between staying, going back or and moving on.

1. Before the conflict or breakup was the relationship healthy?

A conflict now and then is normal in any relationship, because if there is no conflict, it might even mean that one of the partners is still in pretence mode. Although conflict is normal, proper conflict management is necessary because certain relationships become toxic. To determine if your relationship was healthy or not, you should ask yourself the following:

• Were you happy most of the days or there were more days of silence and fights?
• Did he treat you right?
• Did he make you feel loved and respected?
• Was your partner your friend, were you able to communicate openly or you feared him?
• Were you growing and becoming a better version of yourself or were you oppressed?

Looking back at some of my relationships, my happy days were fewer than the days of silence and neglect. Yet when it was time to decide if I should go back to my ex or move on, I solely based my decision on the memory of the happy days or qualities I liked about him.

2. Do you like the image of your future?

The great thing about breakups is that you are given a chance to start on a clean slate. Breakups give you an opportunity to redirect your future for something better or worse. You already know what the future with your ex or partner holds because you have already seen a glimpse before the breakup or conflict.

If you were to go back to your ex or stay, are you happy with a mental picture of being a victim of abuse again since he was already abusive when you were together? Are you certain that is the kind of future you want, or you think there is still more that life has to offer?

If you have to let go of a partner who was respectable and treated you right are you willing to risk not having such a partner in your future?

3. Would you advise someone to go back if they were in your shoes?

Having the information that you have about the relationship or your ex, would you advice your child or sibling or friend to go back?

There were relationships where I was advised not to go back to, yet I still went back because I was “in love” though I was not receiving back the love from him. I was verbally abused and neglected, only met with him at most twice a month, yet he stayed close-by. Based on my knowledge today, I would not wish for my child to stay in such a relationship because those are signs that he has another girlfriend whom he is more serious about.

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4. Do you believe people have the potential to change?

Do you think a person can change or a leopard never changes its spots? True change should come from within and not because the person is trying to save the relationship. If the person changes their ways because they do not want to lose you, you should know that soon they will revert back to their old ways.

It is also difficult for a liar to stop lying because lying has become their second nature. If he is such a liar, how would you know that they are not lying to you about being a changed person? If someone promises to stop drinking when you take them back how long can they keep up the act? Do you really think that they will stop cheating or they will just try to win your trust over and go back to their normal of being with multiple partners?

Am I being pessimistic, no I am just being realistic because I know that change is hard. If my partner expected me to change who I am I think I would try but there would be days where I would relapse.

Should you really expect someone to change or you should learn to accept them for who they are?

Is a cheater always a cheater?

5. What scares you the most about moving on?

What I hated most about breakups was being single for a couple of weeks or months whilst hoping to mend things with my ex or hop onto the next relationship.  I hated the feeling of loneliness and boredom because breakups create a void in your schedule.

Breakups are scary because it might mean that kids will not grow up around both parents. It can also mean downgrading your lifestyle or putting certain dreams on hold if your ex was the sponsor. In your case, what do you have to sacrifice if you let go of the relationship?

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6. What will be different the second or third time around?

What has changed with you or your partner, what will make the relationship different the second or third time around? If you broke up because your partner was unemployed will them being employed make the relationship work? If he cheats again after mending the relationship are you going to accept it?

Conclusion

If your answer is Yes to any of the first four questions and the reasons in number 5 and 6 are valid, you can consider staying in the relationship or taking back your ex.