Forget the gospel: never check a man’s phone

People always preach the gospel that you should never check a man’s phone while a lot of men check their partners’ phones. Why do rules still favour men even in this modern age?

When I was still in the dating phase with my husband, I realised that he had gone through my phone. I noticed this because when I unlocked it, it was already on the messages from months ago.

This made me angry and not because I had something to hide, but I felt like my personal space has been invaded. The relationship was still at its early stages so there were certain things that I wanted to keep private until I was certain that the relationship was serious.

 I was uncomfortable for the following reasons:

1. I did not want my partner to know how much I earn or know my bank balance.
2. Sometimes I discussed him with my friends, so certain conversations were only meant for specific eyes.
3. There were certain old messages or DMs from an obsessed ex and admirers which I had not yet gotten a chance to delete.  

So his behaviour also made me want to check his phone. On his phone, I also found certain things that made me uncomfortable. I got to notice his bad money habits, conversations he had with his ex and other ladies, and certain images …the list is endless.

Months later, I found out that he had saved my male relative’s number on his contact list. This relative used to call me often and I had already explained to my husband who the caller was. I was not aware that he doubted me because he did not voice it out with me, he just chose to do his own investigation.

My husband still secretly checks my phone

Fast forward to now that we are married, he acts like he is not insecure, yet he still secretly checks my phone. There are certain mornings where I wake up and find my phone on his side of the bed. And obviously he would deny that he checked my phone so I don’t even bother asking.

There was a time when I had inserted a pin on my phone because it kept auto dialling. So he did not ask me what my pin was. But one day when I wanted to use his phone I found that he had changed his pin that is when he quickly said, “I have been waiting for this day, why did you insert a pin number on your phone?”

I was also accused of having an affair with my colleague because of an anomaly on my call history. I was really dumbfounded when he brought it up.

The reason I am giving you all these scenarios is to prove that men are constantly checking our phones, yet as ladies we always preach the gospel that we should never check a man’s phone.

You don’t know who you are dating until you have checked his phone

A guy once told me that when he checked the phone of a lady that he was dating, he found disturbing conversations which made him instantly run away. The texts he saw were from her mom advising her to use muti on him so that she can strengthen the relationship.

When you decide to go through your partner’s phone you should be mentally prepared for anything, because you might no longer look at your partner the same way the information you discover.

Who they claim to be when they are with you vs the evidence that is on the phone might be completely different. The phone might contain answers to questions like “are they cheating?”, “how much money do they have or are they in so much debt?”, “what did they get up to last night?”, “what are their intentions”, “ who their friends are and what kind of people they are” etc.

4 times it is justified to go through your partner’s phone

1. If the relationship becomes serious

You should go through your partner’s phone atleast once in the relationship. The purpose of checking the phone should not only be to end the relationship but to know your partner better so that you can assist them with their shortcomings.

I rather find out the true character of my partner earlier on in the relationship than finding out years later that he was not who he claimed to be.

But after knowing who they really are, what are you going to do about it? Most of the time you can only confront, but I doubt you would end the relationship over it.

2. If your partner story does not add up

If your instincts tell you that he is lying to you about something serious, but you do not know what it is and not knowing is not giving you sleep then you should check his phone. However, you should brace yourself because checking the phone might open another can of worms.

3. If you hate peace in the relationship or just love to hurt yourself

If you need a reason to cause conflict in the relationship then checking your partner’s phone is a brilliant idea. Or if you are in a good space but need something to spoil your mood or the relationship is going well but want to remind yourself that the person you are with is imperfect, then you should check the phone.

4. If your partner becomes incapacitated or sick and you have to retrieve something from his phone

If your partner is not in a position to operate his phone and you need to retrieve certain information like emergency contact details, then it is permissible to go through the phone.

Why you shouldn’t check your partner’s phone

1. You can ruin a surprise

Your partner or loved ones can be planning a surprise for you, so you can ruin it by checking the phone.

2. Can be read out of context

Texts can be read out of context or blown out of proportion.

How spy on your partner’s phone

Whether you think it is right or wrong to check your partner’s phone below is the list of application that I would be interested in checking:

1. Go to the messages

Messages contain the bank balance and all money-related transactions. This can give you an idea of their financial status, financial commitments, and spending habits. You might even get a bonus of interesting conversations with interesting people.

2. Phone history and Truecaller

Just to see the frequently contacted people. If some contacts are suspicious I would store them on my phone.

3. You have to check their WhatsApp

I would check the conversations with their close friends because they are true to them.  I would also look out for interesting conversations with the opposite sex. If I want to hurt myself further, I can search for words like “miss” or “love” or “s*x” and see how often it appears. I would also check WhatsApp calls and media

4. DMs on Social platforms

I would go through the direct messaging (DMs) on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, etc just to see what they get up to and with who.

5. Gallery and Google photos

I would enjoy browsing through their images. I would also check google images because it has images which might have been deleted on the device or were taken through a different phone way back.

6. Read the Emails

I would check both their gmail and outlook emails, you never know what you can find. You can even find his bank statements, ID

7. Check the internet browsing history

I would check the browsing history just to see the kind of sites that they go into. Okay, maybe with the intention of checking if he goes into any gambling, dating, or p0rn sites.

8. Check the applications on the phone

Just be on the lookout for any interesting applications. Who knows what if they have an app that spies on you?

Is it ever worth it to check?

This world is full of scammers, fraudsters, liars, and so forth. Some couples meet on social media and you never really know the person’s background, you only know what they have disclosed to you. Men don’t trust women, so why should you trust so easily?