Topics in this article
9 Signs of gaslighting in a relationship
How to stop gaslighting in a relationship
What is gaslighting in a relationship?
When I finally knew what gaslighting was and its signs, I was like jeez, these romantic partners have been gaslighting me all along. I had so many thoughts after discovering that I have been possibly gaslighted. I thought to myself, does it mean that I am stupid to have believed such lies? Why did I believe their words over what I witnessed with my own eyes? I am too smart, why didn’t I fight back when they were manipulating me? How could I have allowed them to diminish my self-esteem?
Gaslighting in relationships definition
Gaslighting in a relationship is a form of psychological manipulation where a partner denies facts in order to conceal the truth, which leads a person to question their reality, sanity or even judgement. Gaslighting happens in all forms of relationships including romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, and even workplace relationships. Gaslighting happens even in marriages.
Narcissist gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tactic that is used by narcissists to make you believe that you are the one who is wrong and you need help. However, even partners who are not narcissists are also capable of gaslighting. They do these in order to protect themselves and to ensure that you do not leave the relationship.
9 Signs of gaslighting in a relationship
#1 You are the one who is always apologizing, even when you are not wrong
One of the signs of gaslighting in a relationship is when you always apologise for your partner’s behaviour. Your partner never admits to being wrong, instead, he blames you for the wrong things that you have ever done.
#2 You feel like your best is not good enough
You feel like you give the relationship your all yet it is never appreciated. Your partner blames you for every single thing that goes wrong. Your partner makes you feel like he is doing you a favor by being with you and there is no other person who can love you like him.
If he ever admits to cheating or any wrongdoing, he makes it seem like you were the one who pushed him into the hands of the other woman.
#3 Your partner always undermines your feelings
Another sign of gaslighting in a relationship is when your partner always undermines your feelings. He brushes off your feelings and tells you that you are too serious or you overanalyze things.
#4 Your partner is a pathological liar
When someone is gaslighting you, they will deny the facts even when the evidence is present. Even if you can find them in bed with another person, they will still deny it. The gaslighter uses the denial tactic to make you doubt your reality and convince you that you seem to be losing your sanity.
#5 You constantly doubt yourself
Your partner has lied to you to a point where you are too confused. You can no longer differentiate between reality and imagination. You constantly doubt if something has indeed happened or if your memory is just deceiving you.
#6 You are scared to address your true feelings to your partner
When you have become scared of telling your partner how you feel because he will dismiss your feelings or because he’ll make you feel worse off, then it is a sign that your partner might be gaslighting you.
#7 Your partner never responds to your questions
If your partner always disregards your questions or brings up a different topic when you bring up a specific matter, then it is a sign that your partner is gaslighting you. He doesn’t want the truth coming out so he uses the withholding and diverting tactic to conceal it.
#8 Your partner denies knowledge of events
If your partner cannot recall or denies knowledge of some of the events or activities that he has told you about, or which happened when you were together, it can be a sign that he is gaslighting you. He wants to discredit your memory.
#9 Your partner separates you from your loved ones
A partner who is gaslighting you can even isolate you from your loved ones. He will make you believe that they don’t love you, they are out to get you. He wants you to be fully reliant on him so that he can control you freely without them influencing you otherwise.
10 Gaslighting examples in relationships
1. You happen to find an earring that is not yours in your boyfriend’s apartment and suspect he’s cheating. When you confront him he says:
- “I don’t know where it comes from, are you sure it is not yours? Don’t you remember you once lost your earing just like this one?”
- “Aren’t you the one who planted this earring here just to accuse me of cheating?”
- “You know I’d never cheat on you. My sister was here the other day, maybe she’s the one who left it.”
Read: 18 Signs your partner is cheating to watch out for
2. You see inappropriate texts or nude images on your partner’s phone. When you ask him about it he’ll say:
- “You are just imagining things. There are no nude pics on my phone.”
- “Don’t get so worked up. A guy friend forwarded those images to me, it means I forgot to delete”
3. You see him flirting or being cozy with another woman. When you confront him, his response is:
- “You are overreacting, nothing is going on between me and her” or
- “You are just imagining things, you didn’t see me kissing her. I’d never do that to you”
- “You really need to work on yourself because your insecurities are getting in the way of our relationship”
4. He makes nasty comments or embarrasses you in front of his friends. When you cry or voice out how his words make you feel, he says:
- “You are too sensitive, so I can’t even make a joke?”
- “You are overreacting”
- “So you are angry just over that?”
5. He promised you that he would do a certain errand or task for you. And when you later remind him of it he says:
- “You are making that up. I never said that.”
- “I was only joking”
6. He tells you that he will be attending a family dinner. But he forgets what he has told you and mentions that he was out with his friends. And when you ask him if he didn’t say that he would be at the family dinner this is his response:
- “Why do you always make up stories, I never said that I would be at a family dinner.”
7. During a conversation, he mentions that his friend doesn’t want to pay back his money. And when you ask him how he lent out so much money without your knowledge he says:
- “I did tell you, maybe you just forgot. These days you really have a short-term memory”
- “If you listened you’d know that I told you.”
8. If you have complained about your family before to him and one day he decides to use that information against you and say:
- “You are just like your family. You are not capable of ….)
9. When you mention something wrong that he has done and you expect him to apologise for it, instead of apologizing, this is what he does:
- He doesn’t admit that he is wrong, but mentions all the things that you’ve ever done wrong to him. Instead of you being angry at him, he becomes angry at you and you end up apologizing.
10. Do you remember when we went to that restaurant together and we saw these other people who told us about…. His response is
- You are crazy, you never went to that restaurant with me. I would certainly remember if we did. Maybe you went with someone else.
20 Gaslighting phrases
- You are imagining things
- That never happened
- You are too sensitive
- You can’t take a joke
- I was just joking
- Please think clearly
- You are always accusing me
- It’s no big deal
- You just like your mom
- You forget so easily
- You are too insecure, you need to work on your insecurities”
- You sounding so crazy
- You are too paranoid
- You are so ungrateful
- There is no person who can ever love you
- You are crazy
- You’re wrong
- Your memory is failing you
- You are exaggerating
- Why can’t you let go of the past?
How to stop gaslighting in a relationship
#1 Identify if the signs of gaslighting exists in your relationship
It is difficult to find remedy for something if you don’t know its name and signs. Now that you know that your partner has been gaslighting you, you can be able to take further steps.
#2 Keep a record of events
If you can record events through keeping a journal, you are able to refer back, and you are also able to use it for evidence purposes. You can even be able to refer back to it with a different lens when your judgement is no longer clouded.
#3 Stick to your version of the truth
If you have evidence, then stick to your truth. No matter what lies your perpetrator can come up with, stand by your truth. Don’t even for a single moment doubt your memories or reality, because if you have a slight doubt, the perpetrator will always have a hold over you. Hear them out but stick to your truth.
#4 Shut out the voice that says “can it be”
The moment your thoughts say to you “can it be that I am wrong and he is right” shut it down right away. The moment you give into them, you will begin to question your truth.
#5 Speak to someone
Narrate the events to someone else and hear their view, someone who is independent or not part of the relationship will be able to tell if you are being lied to or not. Speak to someone who has nothing to gain or lose by telling you the truth. Speaking to someone helps because they might also speak from their own gaslighting experience.
#6 Seek professional help
Gaslighting can affect your psychological wellbeing and it is therefore important to seek professional help if the other methods don’t work for you.
